The Bottom of Our Tears

I had a very interesting conversation with a friend last night about crying. (As a side note, I am constantly amazed at the variety of subjects covered by me and this particular friend). In any case, we ended our discussion trying to answer this question: do we ever get “to the bottom” of our tears? This was not so much a scientific or literal question as it was a figurative question. We were wondering if human beings ever get “cried out,” not just in one particular crying session, but in a lifetime. While my friend initially said he thought that a person can reach a limit to their tears, I think he really meant that a person finally reaches the bottom of their tears over a particular emotional situation.

For example, tears of grief at the loss of a loved one may initially come like a tidal wave, and then, over time, the frequency of tears and the duration of each crying episode are gradually reduced, though there may still be occasional bouts of more voluminous tears or more lengthy crying sessions. These become more and more rare as time goes on, and eventually, the tears are replaced by smiles at the pleasant memories of the loved one. I have been told that this really does happen, but although it's been a year since my mother's death, I am still in the "occasional bouts" stage.

Sometimes, the pattern is completely different – a person may not initially demonstrate their grief with tears, though their sorrow is just as profound and real, and there is great depth of feeling. However, later they are able to express more of their feelings, and the tears come at unexpected times, perhaps, like my friend, when they are able to really talk and connect with someone who has experienced the same kind of loss. In either case, and all those in between, we were questioning if you ever get to the end of your tears.

I decided, just because it is an interesting and rather quirky subject, to do a little research. Tons of stuff has been written about crying and even about the chemical composition of tears and what such data reveals about the nature of crying. Come to find out, it is a well-established scientific fact that emotional crying may be involved in removing waste products or toxic substances from the body. That could explain why so many people report feeling better after crying. Not only is the venting of emotions liberating, but the actual chemical composition of the tears themselves may be involved in an increased feeling of well-being.

Scientists have discovered that emotional tears contain 24% more protein than irritant-induced tears (i.e. tears from onions). Emotional tears contain more of the protein-based hormones prolactin, adrenocorticotropic hormone, and leucine enkephalin, all of which are produced by our bodies when under stress. Interestingly, there are also no differences in the chemical composition of emotional tears of men and women. So it looks like when we cry for emotional reasons, as a response to loss or conflict or death, we might actually be ridding our bodies of excessive chemicals.

Finally, our ponderings led us to this question: “Why and how do we cry?” According to various internet sources, emotional tears require an emotional response or trigger to be activated. Emotional triggers are most often grief and anger, but crying can also be triggered by sadness, loss of love, joy, fear, humor, etc. or from an inside source (self-realization of one's life and others). When emotions affect us, the nervous system stimulates the cranial nerve in the brain, and this sends signals to neurotransmitters and then to the tear glands. The result? We cry. The largest tear gland, the lacrimal gland, produces the tears of emotion and reflex. Again, research seems to demonstrate that in times of emotional stress, the body depends on this gland to release excess amounts of chemicals and hormones, returning it to a stable state. Crying is really quite a complex and fascinating process involving our thoughts, our emotions, and involuntary physiological responses.

As we continued talking, my friend and I both found it pretty amazing that you cannot make yourself truly cry unless you force yourself to think of very sad things, and conversely, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to suppress tears when you feel them coming on in an emotional moment. It seems like once the emotional trigger has been pulled, it is very difficult to stop the physical response of crying and tears, and it is also not something that can be artificially induced.

So, I guess we did answer our original question of whether or not we ever get to the “bottom of our tears.” When it comes to a particular crying episode, I think the answer is “yes.” I think we do tend to “have a good cry,” and then there is a feeling of relief, a sort of de-stressing that takes place, and I have even experienced a feeling of exhaustion afterwards, and eventually the tears come to an end. But do we ever reach the bottom of our tears in a lifetime? I personally think the answer is “no.” Even years after a sad event, certain circumstances or thoughts can evoke such vivid memories as to cause us to cry about it again. And if a person were successful in suppressing any and all urges to cry, the psychological literature seems to indicate that they would not be as emotionally healthy as someone who is able to cry. The general belief seems to be that the ability to cry is an important diagnostic symptom, because it indicates that repression has broken down, intense feeling is returning, and is actually a sign of health. Certainly, there are extremes in either direction, but crying is a normal and healthy response to many types of emotional stress, for both men and women (at least in this culture at this time in history!)

I thought about a lot of things as a result of the original conversation with my friend and our unusual question. Sure, I did some research and learned about a bunch of interesting scientific and psychological things about tears and crying, but mostly, I thought about how true friends talk about all kinds of things, some deep and philosophical, some not. I thought about how close friends can really laugh together and be themselves. I thought about how real friends inspire each other to think in a new way and to learn. But you really have to have a special connection with someone to cry with them, and I’m glad I have that with my friend.